Reflections of a Survivior

In January I wrote a post about my New Year resolution of learning a musical instrument, how I was learning the Piano, how well it was progressing and so on. I had concluded that post on a positive note: “I think if I continue practicing for about 80 minutes a day—four 20-minute sessions for the next 4–6 months, I will be to play a few songs with everybody agreeing on the song title.”

But I was too optimistic and did not consider many factors. I tried practicing the Piano for more than 2 months—four 20-minute sessions each day. I had allocated another 30 minutes each day to learn how to read music. While learning to read music went ahead well, the practice sessions were DFD (designed for disaster). My main problems were lack of stamina (which I thought I will develop), shoulder pain (which I thought will diminish as I practiced more) and spasms (which I didn’t consider a serious threat). But even after practicing for 2 months, I could not play the instrument for more than 4–5 minutes at a stretch as my shoulders started aching and the only time I could practice without the interference of spasms was the morning session. In the evening the spasms are so violent that one day my legs kicked the keyboard stand causing the keyboard to fall down. If it was not the timely intervention of my brother, who caught the keyboard before it touched the floor, it would have been history. So, for the second time in my life, with great sorrow, sadness and anguish I bid farewell to the keyboard and my ambition of learning a musical instrument. The only positive outcome of the exercise was that I learned to read musical scores.

But if these setbacks were designed to expel me from the musical scene, they didn’t. I am a person who is not easily discouraged, disheartened or demoralized. These failures only hardened my resolve to do something in music. So I have been searching for something that I can do with whatever skills I have. I searched the Internet, read many books on music and finally stumbled on a perfect solution—Opera.

I have the body that even Luciano Pavarotti would die for and a powerful tenor voice that can move and enthrall an entire crowd! I have been singing only for a few weeks but the impact of my voice has been profound. My nephew broke two glasses and an ‘unbreakable’ dinner set. My niece runs away and hides under the bed whenever I start my practice session. My brother and sister-in-law have been very patient, but only yesterday I found out that they were wearing earplugs!

My incredible voice is creating waves in the neighborhood also. Two days back, my neighbor came to see me with a 2Kg cake. He said he was a fan. He had given his house for rent to some college students sometime back and they were refusing to move out. Two days after I started practicing, the tenants who were refusing to leave went to his house, handed over the keys and ran away without even collecting the security deposit. Almost, all people living in my neighborhood are happy as there is a drastic reduction in the number of pest, mosquitoes, stray dogs and cats.

The ENT specialists, medical store owners and medical representatives in my area have started dropping in with presents as their businesses have improved dramatically. I have been contacted by the Kerala Police department to help them in maintaining law and order. The police authorities who contacted me told me that they can sell off the water-cannons, tear gas shells and other riot control equipments if they are allowed to broadcast my songs.

I am negotiating with an international company that specializes in personal security products. Soon the pepper sprays will something of the past. It will be replaced by a similar device, but when you press the button, instead of the pepper spray, you will get an even deadlier weapon—my rendition of Donizetti’s La fille du regiment, which would incapacitate even the most dangerous attackers. Each of these weapons (Voice-based Torture Devices or VTDs) comes with a pair of high quality decorative earplugs that can be worn always. These earplugs will not interfere with your hearing when the device is on standby. When you press the button on the VTD, the earplugs are automatically activated shielding you from the deadly voice.

In another interesting development, I was approached by Ram Gopal Varma, who is remaking Sholay. In this movie, Amitabh Bachchan is playing Gabbar Singh. In the new movie Gabbar tortures and kills his enemies with his songs.

One of the most memorable sequences of the original Sholay have been rewritten to include this new weapon—songs (sung by yours truly). Even though, it is one of the best kept secrets of Bollywood, I don’t see any harm in sharing it with you. The script of the new sequence goes like this:

Gabbar: Hmmmm…. Kitane aadmi the?
Kaliya: Sardar… Do aadmi tha…
Gabbar: Hmmm… Do aadmi? SOOWAR KE BACHCHO Woh do the… Aur tum teen… Phir bhi waapas aagayae. Khaali haath… Kya samach kar aaye the? Ke Sardar bahot khus hoga… Sabasi dega kyoom? DHIKKAR HAI…
Gabbar: Arre o Saambha… Kitna inaam rakkhe hai sarkaar ham par?
Sambha: Poore pachaas hajaar…
Gabbar: Suna… Poore pachas hajaar… Aur yeh inaam isliye hai ke yaham se pachas pachas kos door gaav mein, jab bachcha raat ko rota hai, to maa kahti hai beta so ja… so ja nahi to mein tera (ear)plug utar donja. Aur yeh teen haraam jaade..ye gabbar singh kaa naam poora mitti me milaay diye… Iski sajaa milegi… Baraabar milegi…
[He takes an iPod that contains Gabbar’s songs from a dacoit and asks him.]
Gabbar: Kitni songs hai iske andar?
[The dacoit is too afraid to answer and mumbles something.]
Gabbar: KITNI SONGS HAI?
Dacoit: Chhe sardaar
Gabbar: [To himself] Chhe? [Then loudly] Chhe songs… Chhe songs hai iske andar… Chhe songs aur aadmi teen… Bahot naa insaafi hai yeh…
[Deletes three songs from the playlist and downloads three Kishore Kumar melodies into it.]
Gabbar: Ab theek hai… Haa, ab theek hai… Ab is mein mera teen songs hai our teen melodies… Ab ham issko shuffle karega… Ab kaha songs hai… Kaha nahi? Hamko nahi pata… Hamko kuchh nahi pataa… Is iPod me teen jindagi our teen maut band hai… Dekhe kisse kya milta hai?
[Goes to the first person and places the headphone in his ears and presses the play button; “Aisi Haseen Chandni” is heard]
Gabbar: Bach gaya sala…
[Goes to the second person and repeats the performance; “De De Pyar De” is heard]
Gabbar: Yeh bhi bach gaya…
[Goes to the third person]
Gabbar: Teraa kya hoga kaaliyaa?
Kaliya: s..s..sardar… Maine aapkaa namak khaayaa hai sardaar…
Gabbar: Ab ye song sun…
[Places the headphone in Kaliya’s ears and presses the play button; “Main shayar to nahin” is heard]
Gabbar: Kamaal ho gaya… Teeno bachh gaye
[He starts to laugh]
Gabbar: Yeh teen ha..ha..ha… Teeno haram jaadon ko mera songs nahi mili…
[Gabbar starts to laugh hysterically; one by one the members of the gang starts laughing and soon every body is laughing uncontrollably and hysterically. While laughing, Gabbar and other gang members (except those poor souls in the middle) put on their earplugs. Suddenly one by one the three songs that I sung are played in sequence from the concealed 802 Deluxe Bose system. The three men fall down, writhe in agony and die—very painfully.]
Gabbar: Jo dar gayaa… Samcho mar gayaa

Now I am working hard on my new audio blog where I am going to post a song a day (ASAD). The site will be launched shortly. I hope to see all of you during the launch…

Till then, this is
Alexis Leon, The Ultimate Terror…err…Tenor
Signing off…

Reading cookery books is one of my favorite pastimes these days. I only read and am only interested in books full of color photographs—the more the merrier. This is my way of achieving gastronomic nirvana. I have a reasonably good collection of cookery books—all filled with high quality four-color photographs.

My quest for new food items and recipes has taken me to kitchens of all sizes and shapes—from those of roadside shops (thattukadas) to those of five star hotels. I have many gurus, from the thattukada owners to five star chefs, who have taught me many a mouth watering recipe. I learned porotta making (especially the art of stretching and flattening by swirling and slapping it on the table—‘veeshufying’) from a thattukada owner at the Kesavadaspuram junction (Trivandrum). I picked up the intricacies cocktail making from my cousin who was the restaurant manager at Taj Coromandel (Madras). I mastered the finer points of making perfect Spanish omelettes from a chef in Pondicherry. In those days, if I liked a dish, I would leave the house or hotel only after getting the recipe.

But now I am compelled to confine my gastronomic experiments and expeditions to the four walls (actually it is three walls) of my study and that is where the cookery books come in. With the books, I can buy the items, prepare them, cook then and eat them all in my mind. Such is the power of visualization, that I am gaining weight with this mental exercise, even though I survive mostly on the air I breathe and water I drink!!!

My tryst with cookery books started in 1976, when my mom bought one of the best cookery books. It was The Cookery Year by Reader’s Digest. It was an excellent book and contained a feast of delicious recipes for every month of the year, plus a wealth of culinary advice. I think I was in the 6^th standard at that time. My mom used to make many delicious dishes from the book and I was her assistant. Reading the recipes and preparation methods (illustrated with excellent sketches and photographs) was as pleasurable as preparing and consuming them. My tasks were limited to doing the dishes, slicing and dicing the ingredients, transferring the prepared items to serving plates, garnishing, etc. I learned a lot, working as an apprentice in my mom’s kitchen.

Since my sister was staying in the hostel, it was my duty to assist my mom in the household chores whenever the housemaid went on leave. My duties involved setting the table, clearing the dishes, cleaning the dining table, doing the dishes after the meals, and so on. Even though, I didn’t have any problem with washing the dishes, it was not something I enjoyed. But I took great pride in cleaning the dishes until they were sparkling.

After my accident when we were staying in Madras, we used to get food from hotels. Our main food was pizza as home delivery was available. One day my friend and doctor, after seeing my blood test results, where my cholesterol and TGL were way above the acceptable levels, asked me to cut down on pizzas. He asked me to cook at home. I didn’t have any problem with that, as I was not in a position to cook. But my brother was not very enthusiastic, as cooking and cleaning the dishes were something he loved to hate. So my friend asked us to make a compromise, cook at home every other day. He taught us a dish that could be prepared in 30 minutes and required only one dish—a pressure cooker. It was a simplified version of sambar rice (sambar sadam). But it tasted nice and with a few banana chips it made a complete and balanced meal. The ‘one pot’ cooking is ideal for people who do not want to spend too much time on washing and cleaning.

Last month while I was browsing through the Reader’s Digest catalogue, I saw a book titled Just One Pot authored by Reader’s Digest Editors. I have very high regard for the editors at Reader’s Digest as some of the best books I have read are created by them. The list includes excellent books like Cookery Year, How it Works, Reverse Dictionary, The Right Word at the Right Time, 101 Ways to Improve Memory, Baking with Love, Calligraphy Lettering, 2001 Amazing Cleaning Secrets, etc. So I ordered the book immediately and was waiting for it to arrive. As usual the editors at Reader’s Digest didn’t disappoint me.

The book is excellent. It is full of delicious and healthy ‘one pot recipes’ accompanied with breathtaking photographs. The recipes include tasty and popular favorites like soups and pastas and exotic creations like risottos and tagines. It also includes excellent stir-fries, sautés, stews, curries, vegetable and meat dishes, roasts, polentas, casseroles, and so on. I am including two recipes from the book.

SPANISH CHICKEN WITH RICE (Serves 4–6)

Ingredients :-

1. Chicken pieces – 2Kg
2. Freshly ground black pepper and salt – as required
3. Olive oil – 4 table spoons
4. White onions coarsely chopped – 2 large ones
5. Garlic finely chopped – 3 cloves
6. Seeded and diced Capsicum – 1
7. Diced ham – 125gm
8. Long grain rice – 2 cups (400 gm)
9. Chicken broth or stock – 3 cups (750ml)
10. Saffron threads – 0.5 teaspoon
11. Frozen mixed vegetables – 1cup (150gm)
12. Green chili seeded and finely chopped – 1
13. Small black Olives – 60gm
14. Finely chopped Coriander – 1 tablespoon
15. Finely chopped Parsley – 1 tablespoon

Preparation:-

• Clean and place the chicken pieces in a large dish and season generously with salt and pepper. Rub the seasoning into the chicken.
• Heat 3 tablespoons of the oil in a large frying pan over medium high heat. Add the chicken pieces in a single layer and sauté until well brown (8–10 minutes). Remove the chicken from the pan and set aside leaving the oil and the cooking juices in the pan.
• Add the onions, two cloves of the garlic, capsicum and ham. Sauté until the onions are softened (about 5 minutes). Add the rice and broth and bring to a boil stirring often.
• Return the chicken to the pan. Add the saffron. Mix. Then cover and cook over low heat for 20 minutes.
• Stir in the mixed vegetables, olives and half the chili. Cover and continue cooking until the rice is tender (about 10 minutes).
• Stir in the remaining one clove garlic, chili, coriander and parsley. Drizzle with the remaining one tablespoon of oil stirring gently over high heat for 30 seconds. Just warm the oil and herbs. Don’t cook them. They should retain the clean fresh aromas, adding scrumptious ‘lift’ to the final favors of the dish.

QUICK VEGETARIAN NOODLE STIR-FRY (Serves 4)

Ingredients:-

1. Sesame oil – 2 tablespoons
2. Olive oil – 4 tablespoons
3. Large White onion thinly sliced – 1
4. Carrots very thinly sliced – 3 medium sized
5. Mushrooms sliced – 125gm
6. Small Capsicum seeded and thinly sliced – 1 Yellow, 1 Red
7. Instant egg noodles (flavor packet discarded) –4 packages (350 gm)
8. Baby corn (sweet corn) – 125gm
9. Dark soy sauce – 3 tablespoons
10. Chinese bean sauce –1 tablespoon
11. Bean sprouts – 125gm
12. Coarsely chopped cashew nuts – 50gm
13. Finely chopped spring onions – 2 tablespoons

Preparation:-

• Soak the noodles in boiling water for 10 minutes for soften.
• Heat the sesame and olive oils in a wok or large frying pan over medium heat.
• Add the onions, carrots, mushrooms and capsicums and sauté until just tender (about 10 minutes)
• Add the noodles, baby corn, soy sauce and bean sauce.
• Stir well until well combined and heated through. Add the bean sprouts, cashew nuts and spring onions.
• Stir briefly (just 1–2 minutes), otherwise the bean sprouts will wilt and loose the crispness. Serve hot.

I hope that the nice folks at Reader’s Digest won’t mind. After all, they are getting free publicity for their book! With more than 100,000/10,000 visitors per week, the book is bound to sell well. A mention here will generate more sales than being selected to Ophrah’s book club! The high traffic on my site has crashed the Statcounter servers several times. So they have told me that they are taking my account off-line until they could upgrade their servers and improve the processing power!!!

If you think the above recipes are too easy and mundane for you, then I suggest you head straight to the cook blog of one of the most talented and versatile chefs in the world—Herr Wolfgang Mathew. Don’t be intimidated by the handlebar mustache. He is a jolly good fellow. He is currently serving as the master chef in one of the prestigious organizations in Germany and also training a batch of chefs on the finer points of a special form of culinary art that he has perfected.

If you can’t go to Germany, you can learn the art and science of cooking from an equally talented chef—Miss. Anjali—who started cooking at the age of 8 months. But the gurudakshina is one bottle Calmpose tablets and two bottles of strongest liquor available!

P.S. I wanted to scan the photographs of the dishes and post it to avenge all the cruel people who have tortured me with their excellent posts, but decided against it out of sheer laziness… But if you want to undergo the torture, pain and experience the hunger pangs, visit the following links at about 12.30AM after making sure that there is no chance of getting any food.

1. Prepared with love
2. Ambrosia
3. My Mom’s Cooking…